It’s late. I know because my roommate is asleep. I’m lying on my back with the covers in my hands and under my chin. I’m not even tired yet. It’ll be about 2 am before that starts. These are the hours for my mind to wander.
My thoughts are introspective tonight, and they are not kind. “Am I a monster? Do I even care about people? I never feel anything when my friends struggle. Am I capable of loving anyone?”
Thoughts like this swirl around until I turn to actual memories. I start with my still-current friends from elementary school, junior high, high school, and all the way to the present moment. One memory from the 7th grade is standing out. A classmate had given me a plastic valentine heart with a drawing done from an anime we both liked and had bonded over. Her version of Goku from DragonballZ was flawless and still in my keepsake box.
I’m thinking about the drawing and all of a sudden, my chest starts to feel warm and it’s like I can feel the outline of my own heart for the first time. I start to cry and for some reason connect what’s happening to the mood stabilizer I’ve been taking daily for the last two months. It’s the first medication I’ve ever taken for Bi-Polar Disorder. But I’m not crying because my meds are working, I’m crying because now I know I’m not a monster. Now I know for sure that I truly love my friends.