Category: Depression

Seasonal

Winter is here.

The weather is gloomy, the days are shorter, and depression has set in.

Every morning I have to wake up and face the day. Will I shower? Maybe. What about cooking? I’ll do leftovers in any form to avoid it. That sounds quirky but it’s not cute. Dishes are piled high in the sink and clothes are all over the floor, so I look away. I’m sad. I want to do more but nothing stays done. Getting up and getting out is like lifting dead weight. I’m the deadweight and my heart is the heaviest part of me.

If I’m at work or out with friends, that’s when I push the lie that I’m fine. I know that I’m not.

Every evening I pass the time to stay up late just to postpone the morning. The hardest part is when I lie down. It means the day is over and the next one is about to begin. Closing my eyes will not help me sleep. I just stare at nothing until I wake up.

These feelings came on so suddenly yet should have been so predictable. I’m frustrated with myself because I seem to struggle every year. Why Isn’t knowing ahead of time enough to prevent it from happening again?

Winter is here. I wish I wasn’t.

Little Known Facts About Depression

Depression is like an infection. It injects itself into your thoughts, and, like infected cells, replicates itself. Mantras like “Give up” “I’m worthless” “I want to die” reproduce over and over again. My brain has no anti-bodies for the invasive thoughts. Every time I hear a voice say, “Kill yourself.”, my brain’s automated response is, “I should kill myself. I’m just using up oxygen that could be put to better use.” And the disease intensifies.

Depression is like the narcissistic partner that gaslights me into thinking I’m the problem. With subtle hints about how my clothes, taste in friends, and career choice are all pathetic, they get inside my head. Even though deep down I know they’re wrong, I can’t help but wonder if they’re right. Maybe the way I dress does suck and my friends don’t care about me and I am pathetic….

Depression is like a little red devil sitting on my shoulder whispering in my ear that it’s all in my head. All the while, tempting me to drown out what’s in my head with drugs, alcohol, and lashing out.

I don’t know the scientific reason why depression is so convincing. I guess I could do some research on chemicals and neurotransmitters. But the empirical evidence is clear; depression is real as hell, and so are its lies. Real… but not true.