A long time being heavily medicated got me used to a narrow spectrum of emotions. I became accustomed to being numb. I didn’t have to feel much of anything. I never thought I would miss it. I’ve switched to a less heavy medication and I can suddenly feel my own feelings and reactions again. There’s an undercurrent of panic. I can’t discern between sadness and depression, or a clear head with mania. It’s like waking up with bruises sensitive to the touch. Any stimulation of intense emotion feels like a threat.
I have other medications that numb. Taking a little extra Ativan or Ketamine here and there could do the trick. Ketamine will grease the wheels socially and Ativan calms my nerves. It’s for the anxiety I have for no reason, so why not medicate the anxiety of real life. When I’ve lost my step in a relationship or made a mistake at work, what’s the harm in healing the discomfort with medicine. I’m prescribed to take it regularly anyway, so why not?
What is the danger here? Shouldn’t I be able to regulate my emotions at a level I’m comfortable with? Isn’t it my right to protect my emotional self? Where is the wrong in this?
I guess I’ll be separated from the people in the room with me. If I’m slightly suffocated all the time I’ll have a hard time connecting. But how am I missing out in that regard? Who will I eventually lose completely?
But what if do I take on all my sadness, disappointment, and rejection and just freaking feel it. Is that part of the spectrum so bad that I cut myself off from the better half? What about joy, satisfaction, and connection? And really, what are the bad things going to do to me? Totally wreck me and then kill me? It feels like that sometimes, but it never happens. I’m still here. I’m still connected.
I guess it’s not worth numbing if it severs those connections. I need living, growing, expanding relationships with my loved ones. People who feel like family, people who are family, and family who feel like friends.
When it comes down to it, to numb is to exist and existing isn’t living. I need to do more than just exist. I need to live.